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 The Diamond Dave Awards 
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Post The Diamond Dave Awards

Veteran rocker David Lee Roth, whose new album Diamond Dave was released this month, reigned triumphant at the weekly Diamond Dave Awards last night. A tearful Roth, sloshing whiskey from a bottle held high in the air, proclaimed his unprecedented sweep of every award category as "the thrill of my lifetime, and the best thing that's happened to me since I won the all the Diamond Dave Awards last week."

Though major press outlets like E! Entertainment News and Entertainment Weekly failed to cover the Diamond Dave Awards, Roth said in his acceptance speech for Most Kickass Dude Ever that "the electricity here is just as plop - pap - plapalable as when I stormed the stage with Eddie Van Jerkwad on the MTV Awards a few years ago." Roth then pounded his fist on the "podium" - a card table with one leg duct-taped together - and noisily wiped tears and snot from his face with the back of his sleeve.

The Diamond Dave Awards were held, for the ninth week in a row, in the garage of Roth's buddy Carl's house in Hopatcong, New Jersey, where Roth has been couch-surfing "just until Diamond Dave goes gold so I can afford to stay in four-star hotels again, man." Attendees at the star-studded gala included Carl's dog Pepper, several moths attracted by the bare bulb hanging from the ceiling, a mildewed one-eyed teddy bear left years ago by Carl's niece Alana, and, for the first few awards, a homeless man named Stinky Frank who Roth lured from the Hopatcong Greyhound station with the promise of a Hot Pocket and five dollars.

Roth's triumphant sweep included categories where he was considered a shoo-in, such as Sexiest Rock and Roll Outlaw and Guy Who's So Much More Awesome Than Alex Van Fag. But he even won awards where he was considered a dark-horse contender at best, like Most Super-Duper Stupendous Entertainer of All Time, Guy Who All the Chicks Want To Fuck, and Best Guitarist For Van Halen.

"You aren't gonna believe this one, folks," slurred presenter David Lee Roth, "opening" an imaginary envelope for Best Guitarist For Van Halen as Stinky Frank scurried away quietly, muttering "I thought I was fuckin' fried." Roth waved his arms with a flourish and yelled "and the winner iiiiiiiiiiiiis... DAVID LEE ROTH!! YAAAAAAAYYY!!" As he danced a little jig and flailed around, his hip caught the corner of the card table and it tipped over. In the nick of time, award recipient David Lee Roth made a heroic dive for the half-full bottle of Maker's Mark as it flew off the table surface, catching it as he tumbled to the ground, managing to avoid spilling a drop.

"Whew! That was close!" presenter Roth exclaimed, once order was restored to the garage and Pepper was calmed down with several Beggin' Strips treats. "I vote that we have another award for Quickest Reflexes and Totally Being a Hero That Saves The Day! The nominees are Pepper, David Lee Roth, the rusty fridge in the corner, and ol' Teddy Ruxpin here. And the winner iiiiiiiiiiis... DAVID LEE ROTH!"

"I'll drink to that, mi amigo!" hollered the thrilled winner, belting back a big swig of whiskey and turning up "Just Like Paradise" in a nearby boom-box, drowning out the angry yells of Carl coming from the kitchen.

Future Diamond Dave Awards ceremonies may be moved to the back of a Winnebago parked outside various House of Blues clubs this fall, according to sources on their hands and knees puking in Carl's flower bed while bawling uncontrollably and cursing their mortality.

- Keith Bergman

From: ... sitemID=92

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Wed Oct 06, 2004 9:48 pm
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